And just like that.....

......everything changed.    

On November 18/14, my mother was hospitalized on doctor's orders.  After scans and a biopsy (which she was awake for and never flinched!!), it was determined that she had terminal stomach and lung cancer.  She told me that she was fine with the diagnosis and was looking forward to being with Dad.  She was adamant that she just wanted to be made comfortable, no fuss.  Her wish was granted and her three daughters kept her company every day and into the evening gabbing, watching TV, discussing current events, doing crosswords with her and playing trivia....many days it was like a kitchen party.  On the last day, November 28th, she went quietly and with dignity and on her own terms.

My mother was born in Farrukahbad, India in 1935, during the British Raj.  Her father was from Scotland and was on the British Police Force in India.  He married a local Anglo-Indian and the union produced 6 beautiful children, my mother being the youngest.  She did not have a lot of fond memories of India.  She lived in a compound with other British families and true to the time period and culture, her parents were more concerned with their own needs; my mother was closer to her "Aya" than her mother.  She and her siblings were all sent off to convent boarding school as soon as they turned 5 and wouldn't see their parents again until Christmas break and then summer.  Sometimes, if her parents had travel or events planned, the children would not go home during the breaks.  It was a

Ava Gardner 1940's

lonely childhood.  My grandfather passed away from heat stroke during a riot, held perhaps during the time leading up to India's independence.  My grandmother stayed in India and eventually  married another Brit who took the three youngest sisters and my grandmother to Portsmouth, England around 1948; my mother's brothers and older sister had already left home at that point.  Times were tough.  Coming from an existence that included servants and a cook to living in a cramped apartment was a huge adjustment.  After finishing her education, my mother worked in an office.  Eventually, she became a bookkeeper's apprentice, but it was at her second job in the evening, serving and clearing tables at the Naval Officers Club with her two older sisters, that she met my father.  He became smitten with the young lady that looked like Ava Gardner.  Eight months later, they married and Dad put Mom on a liner by herself to Halifax, N.S., where she arrived on December 15/55.   I came on the scene a year later.

Although our relationship was complicated, my mother and I were very close.  She taught me to be independent at a time when women were not encouraged to be.  She forced me to buy a car when I was 18.  I didn't need one, in my opinion; I had a boyfriend that was driving me around and I was fine with that.  But my mother wanted me to have more freedom and to have my own credit rating with a bank through getting a car loan...she was looking out for my future and she was right.  She was very generous (she sponsored Lady's care for a year and bailed out another elderly horse bound for slaughter) and could be fierce if she saw an injustice being done.  She and I shared a passion for nature, music, books, bird watching and classic movies.  She was way ahead of her time in so many ways when it came to women's issues and I appreciated her strength and wisdom.  We always had something to talk about and I greatly miss our daily chats. This holiday, for the first time in a decade, I didn't make Christmas dinner...there will be a lot of 'firsts' this year....

Stepping over small logs.

LA rode Gem for me while I was with my mother in hospital.  She would send me reports on how "light" he was, or how amazing his lope was.  It made me feel good because it was something "normal" and positive.  When I eventually did get to see him, I was too drained to actually ride.  But I spent an hour with him, just hanging out and grooming.  He was quiet and allowed me to fuss over him; his eyes were soft.  A couple of days later, I got on him and we just walked and jogged around the arena, working on side passing (yes, his back legs were crossing!), backing up long distances in a straight line, obstacles and neck reining.  It felt good.

 A week later, the daughter of one of my dearest friends lost her husband to cancer after a 3 year battle.  She is now a widow at 42 year of age, with a 13 year old son  and a 10 year old daughter.  Laura and her daughter have visited Gem in the past and when I received an email from her the day after her husband died, asking if she and her daughter could visit with Gem, I wasn't surprised.  She had already experienced the curative effects of being around Gem.  We spent 3 hours together with Gem, grooming and riding.  He couldn't have been more of a gentleman.  Again his eye was soft and he was kind to Laura's daughter, who was delighted that she got to "ride" him.  They came sad, but left happy and smiling and that made me feel good.  There will be a lot of 'firsts' for them this year, also.....

Horses are sensitive.  If we are privileged enough to be able to spend time with them, we can see just how sensitive they really are.  There are numerous articles out there that explain how horses have a six sense.  They are so intuitive; they know when your heart beat increases and mirror it when you are riding.  When a rider lacks confidence, they get worried, too.  And, when you are feeling sad, they feel it and I guess in their own way share your pain and give you exactly what you need at that moment. I started this blog as a "diary" of my experiences with Gem.  As I flipped through some previous posts over the holidays, I realized that Gem has pushed me, comforted me, been brave, patient and even bossy...all when I needed it.  I am grateful that I have him in my life.  Although 2014 didn't end in a great way, I am looking forward to the next year....yes, there will be some 'firsts' but there will also be awesome memories, upcoming family and friends events and visits to look forward to....and a year that will hopefully include lots of time with Gem!
 

Being Social

When I first met DH, I was told to steer clear of him.   I was told that he wasn't a pleasant horse, that he bit people and was nasty with other horses.  For a gelding, DH displayed studdy behaviour and was not social with animals or humans.  What I found out was that DH was actually used as a stud before he partnered up with DH's Mom.   Because of that, he was kept in a stall away from everyone, only brought out in public when he was expected to compete or breed.   Gives you a whole different perspective on his personality when you take the time to understand his isolating circumstances prior to teaming up with DH's Mom.  Of course, it was a big culture shock for him when DH's Mom bought him and transported him to LA's. 

DH lost no time in establishing that he was the top horse when he was turned out with Gem and two other geldings in a small field.  Sort of funny to see a 14.3h paint giving 16.0h Gem the business!  It could be a bit nerve-racking getting Gem from the turnout area;  DH would try to come in between us and try to herd Gem away from me.  He was doing his job as leader.  Eventually, what I ended up doing was bringing a handful of horse treat kibble and throwing it off to the side.  While DH was busy looking for kibble, I would hook Gem and walk out of the gate.  The other geldings eventually were put out with the herd and Gem and DH remained roommates for the next 5 years. 

This past spring, DH was turned out with the herd.  He is now 16 years old and not as grumpy as he was 5 years ago.  After a bumpy start, he has settled in and has 3 girlfriends to call his own.  :-)  He is happy.   He is really socializing for the first time in his life.  I thought Gem might miss him, but it was basically a non-event for him.  Gem's turnout area is right on the main throughway for the herd to get to the watering trough, so he gets to see the comings and goings.  He is also surrounded by other turnout areas so any way he faces, he sees horses.  Sometimes nickers pass between him and members of the herd.  Gem is socializing from afar.  He's like me.....I nod to my neighbours over the fence or have a cordial chat as I am getting out of my car, but I don't encourage anyone to walk on to my property.  I like my privacy.  :-)

A few weeks ago, LA asked if it was OK to put Hank, a 15.1 QH, in with Gem.  As winter approaches, the older horses are brought into the largest turnout area near the house so they can be monitored.  If she could double up on the number of horses in the regular turnout areas, it would allow for horses to be out all day instead of rotating between morning or afternoon turnout.  We have been on trail rides with Hank and his person, and in fact, Hank's turnout was right next to Gem's so they know each other.  Made sense to me and I said go for it.

Later that same day I got a call from LA:

LA:  "Well I wanted you to hear it from me and not another boarder with added drama...."

Me:  "Oh, dear...."

LA:  "It didn't work out with Hank and Gem.  It started out well, but a couple of hours later I heard screaming.  I raced over to the turnout area and Gem was beating Hank up and I had to separate them."

Me:  "Is Hank hurt??!!!"

LA:  Well, to be honest there are some pretty bad bite marks and he already has a couple of areas that are swollen due to kicks.  I don't want to chance a more severe injury and I am sure his owner doesn't either."

Me:  "OMG!!!  I feel so bad."

LA:  "Don't feel bad.  This is what horses do.  Don't take it personally."

I saw Hank a few days later, and my stomach flipped.  His neck and back had quite a number of bites that were scabbing over - he was a mess.  I suspect that due to where the bites were located, his owner was not riding him.  I felt awful.  And as much as it's horses being horses, Hank's owner did take it personally and has not spoken to me since the incident! 

Rascal looks like this guy.

Early last week, LA called to ask if it was OK to try Rascal in with Gem.  Rascal is a beautiful white-faced QH, closer to Gem's size.  Somehow this gorgeous guy ended up on a feed lot and LA rescued him.  Up until 6 weeks ago, he was a stallion; LA had him gelded when he arrived.  Perhaps there was some residual chutzpah after he was gelded that would make him a match for Gem attitude-wise?  I said go for it.

I happened to be riding in the arena on Thursday when I overheard LA talking to one of her staff about turning Rascal out in another area.  What???  So I called LA to see what was going on.  Apparently, everything was fine between the two of them for three days.  But then all hell broke loose, resulting in Gem kicking Rascal in the mouth and one of his teeth being knocked out.  Sigh.  The vet had to be called in.  Again, LA told me not to take it personally.  But it's hard!  I don't want my horse to be the one that gets a bad reputation.  I don't want him to be thought of like DH was.  I don't want people or staff to be nervous of him.  LA told me that wouldn't be the case.  DH continues to have incidents with humans (he nipped a guy on the chin), but Gem hasn't been mean to the humans around the barn so there shouldn't be a bad reputation issue.  So, Rascal is now turned out with another horse and Gem is.....alone..... again......

When Gem left the farm where he was born to go live with his new owner, he was the only horse on her property.  He was out 24/7 and was ridden occasionally.  He was more of a pet.  I believe that it was this lack of socialization with other horses over a number of years that has impacted how he behaves when it comes to roommates.  He gets rude and territorial.  I often wonder how DH ever became the boss of Gem.  Being an aggressive horse to begin with, DH must have just bamboozled Gem from the moment Gem entered the turnout area when he first arrived 5 years ago and the hierarchy was set instantly and remains to this day.   

I think both LA and I have come to the realization that Gem will probably never have a roommate again.  This will mean that he will only get a half day outside during the winter, instead of 10 hours.  Better than a kick in the pants!  Makes me sad though, but it doesn't affect him at all, which is the main thing.  

On Sunday, I was sitting on Gem, waiting for my trail riding buddy to arrive when LA, accompanied by her Aussie cattle dog, came up to chat.  Her dog commenced wagging his butt and assumed a slightly submissive stance in front of Gem.  I have seen this many times and have never been concerned.  Although initially concerned because her dog had been kicked a few times by horses, LA no longer worries when he's around Gem.  I loosened Gem's reins, enough so that he could lower his head and allow the dog to lick around his mouth and nose ever so quietly and gently.  Gem then licked the dog back a couple of times.  I smiled and I could see that LA was amused also.  You see, when Gem was with his previous owner, his only real companions were a lab and a barn cat.  LA's dog knows that Gem won't hurt him.  And, the cats at LA's make themselves comfortable on Gem's window ledge regularly (sometimes leaving a present of a dead mouse!) or walk along his stall wall, allowing him to sniff and nibble at them.  So he may not be socialized with horses, but Gem is certainly socialized with the other barn residents.  He has company when he's IN the barn, which is sort of cool. 

I am OK with the current set up.  I think that Gem is getting what he needs.  If he wasn't, he would be a lunatic.  Perhaps he just has discriminating tastes when it comes to who he wants to spend time with....I think I might have made his short list.   :-)