Monday, June 14, 2010

Bend and Stretch, Reach for the...what?!….

Part one

Warning! This post deals with mature subject matter and may not be appropriate for everyone. Reader discretion is advised.

When I first started looking for a horse, I bought a book on horse health. I don't like surprises (unless it's jewelry!), so I usually do a lot of research to make sure I know what I am getting into. One of the items that I came across when doing my homework was “cleaning the sheath’’. What the heck???!! I read the chapter and then read it again and then looked at the pictures and read it again. You have GOT to be kidding me?! I have to do what??! Good grief.

One of the dangers of cleaning your horse's sheath is kicking. I read that when you are grooming your horse you should touch him all around his private parts to desensitize him. Oh, dear. The first few weeks we were together, I stuck to the usual "public" places on his body. Eventually, I started incorporating scratching inside his back legs and on his belly near, you know, there. The first time I ventured around that area, he turned (as much as he could in the cross-ties) and looked at me. I think I blushed. He soon turned his attention back to the others in the barn. OK, he’s not ticklish. Great!

I watched some videos to get an idea of the process and I also chatted with a few others at the stables. I was hoping that actually talking about it would make me a bit more relaxed about the whole idea. The reaction is always the same when you mention sheath cleaning - the person blushes, then they skrinch up their nose and say "Ewwwww". People are uncomfortable talking about it.

Everyone I spoke with has a different routine when it comes to cleaning their horse's privates; some do it once or twice a year, and others only when it's apparent that the horse needs to be cleaned. One of the Arena Gang cleans her horse every 3 months(!) and there are others that have never done it. Hmmm, how do you know it needs to be done? Well, apparently a tell-tale sign is a not-so-nice smell "down there". Do you have to put your nose "down there"??? Or is the smell so strong you can detect it standing next to your horse?? I have been told that sometimes a horse tells you that he needs to be cleaned by the way he walks or a grunting noise he makes when trotting. I can't remember if I read this or if someone told me, but there was a horse that would tell his owner when he needed to be cleaned - as she groomed him around his back end, he would casually lift his leg up each time she got close to his privates. :-)

This past winter, I overheard one of the Arena Gang talking about giving her horse a "willie wash". Great! I asked if I could watch next time. "Uh...sure......" (backing away from me slowly...) Well, I did watch her the next time she performed her "willie wash". Her horse did not "drop" throughout the procedure, so it was a little difficult to clean him. He stamped his feet a couple of times and he side stepped once or twice. But, really, it wasn't as bad as I had built up in my mind. Can I do this?? It took me another few months to convince myself that I could.

So, last week I told my grooming girlfriend what my intentions were next time we went out the groom Gem. Are you kidding me?? You have to clean that thing?? I assured her that she would not have to participate in the actual act, but while I made my attempt to clean Gem's privates, it would help relax him if she groomed him like normal.

I was psyched! Unfortunately, I could not get the same sheath cleaning gel that my barn mate used, so off I went to the drug store to get K-Y Jelly.... (to be continued)

What was I thinking....?


  1. ROFL A friend of mine who writes a hilarious blog actually had something called "penis week" on her blog (she's hilarious, really) and when I told her about sheath cleaning she was too excited to take part.

    I made sure she took photos of his other head too.


  2. Some people claim that mares are a lot of trouble, but geldings come with their own set of issues!

  3. As gross as this task is, I actually don't mind it. I think it must make them feel so much better to get all that gunk out of there. Plus if it's really dirty it can make it uncomfortable or even painful to urinate so this goes in my category of tasks labeled "Whatever it takes to make you comfortable dear." Sigh. Hope it went well for you... Can't wait to hear about the reaction you got buying the biggest jar of KY you could get. I've gotten some really odd looks!!

  4. Very funny take on a not so nice job we have to do. Actually, it doesn't bother me a bit because my daughter always does it while I groom or sweet talk the boys. I'm sometimes absolutely amazed at the size of 'beans' you can get out of there. To quote Elaine from Sienfeld 'I don't know how you guys walk around with those things'!

    We once had a horse ,Norman, who would let us know when it was time by laying on his stomach and rubbing himself up and down on his hoof. Subtle...

  5. I actually just got a demonstration of this last week when I was looking at a free horse to keep the quarters company. This woman just walked out to one of her yearlings in the pasture, grabbed his penis, and proceeded to show me in detail how to clean it. That yearling never moved.

    She recommended using wet wipes for sensitive skin on them. I'm going to give it a try on Coriander sometime soon. Fortunately he drops every time I groom him so it shouldn't be too difficult.

  6. Hmm, just did some reading and Excaliber sheath wash is pretty cheap. Going for that instead...

  7. Hello everyone! Nice to see that I am not alone and that you guys are not embarrassed about using the "P" word! Wish I you were all at my barn!

    Breathe - Penis week??? You crack me up.

    Kate - Yeah, I thought that geldings would be sooo much easier than mares...... :-)

    Marissa - Totally agree with "whatever it takes to make you comfortable, dear.

    GHM - I am with Elaine. :-) BTW, I love Norman!! LOL

    Shannon - The lady grabbed the yearling's penis?! Well, if someone grabbed my penis, I don't think I would move either! :-) BTW, I went with K-Y because you don't have to rinse it completely away - I just wiped. I think you do have to rinse with Excaliber...