Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Bend and Stretch, Reach for the.....What?!

Part Two

Warning: This post deals with mature subject matter and may not be appropriate for everyone. Reader discretion is advised.

I stopped by a drug store on the way home from a dinner engagement. It was around 9:30 p.m. and the store was pretty quiet. I am not familiar with K-Y Jelly. I wasn't sure what section I would find it under - personal hygiene, feminine products, first aid? There was no one readily available to ask. I walked up and down the aisles.

I eventually found it. There was a whole shelf dedicated to K-Y products! I had no idea there were so many different varieties. I was tempted to ask the (male) pharmacist for help, but I resisted because I wasn't quite sure how I would describe what kind of K-Y I was looking for...something for my horse just didn't sound right. I won't go into the details of the different kinds of K-Y, but suffice to say that I ended up having to put on my reading glasses and examine each box. It was an education, let me tell you! I have to admit that I kept checking the aisle for other shoppers....I started to feel like I was doing something naughty. I eventually found the good old original version. Whew! I grabbed the largest tube they had.

I was still a little embarrassed about my impromptu sex education class, so I headed over to the cosmetic section and picked up some make up that I did not need. I placed my items in front of the young lady at the cosmetic counter, hiding my K-Y tube under the other items and started chatting as she rang my items through....I was quite pleased with how I very cleverly deflected the fact that I had K-Y as one of my purchases! OK, OK....wishful thinking.... She probably saw me reading the K-Y packages and was wise to my plan of deflection and giggled about it with her co-workers at break time..... When I got home, I put a blob of the gel on the back of my hand. I wanted to make sure that it was not going to provide anything other than normal lubrication. :-)

My friend and I went to the stables as usual. My friend reaffirmed that she was in no way participating in the "act". I told her that she would not have to do anything but talk dirty to Gem. :-) I came prepared with surgical gloves, bucket, sponge, face cloth, paper towels and vodka...OK, only kidding about the vodka! I filled my bucket with lukewarm water and started my pep talk to myself. My friend started her grooming and I pulled on my gloves and lubed up. I can do this. It's like doing the dishes - you don't like doing them, but they have to be done. The moment of truth....assume the safety position....deep breath....and...

OK, I was amazed at how big a pocket the sheath is and I was also sorry that Gem had gunk there. He never indicated that he was in any discomfort, but the stuff I removed was nasty and in some cases the size of marbles. :-( He didn't move. He didn't fuss. He was absolutely wonderful. In fact, when I started the process, he "dropped" immediately and let me get to it. I had to empty and refill my bucket a few times. Initially, my friend did not want to know what was going on down there....but curiosity got the better of her. She noticed that he would retract when I left him to refill the bucket and as soon as I returned he would drop again. I think this is an indication that he was grateful that I was cleaning him. :-)

I did find it a little awkward bending to see what I was doing, while making sure I wasn't putting myself in harm's way if he kicked. Once I got over my initial heebie jeebies and focused on his comfort, I was on a mission. I was movin' and groovin', lubed up and focused; a vision of efficiency.

My friend: Uh, Wolfie...
Me (bending to see what I was doing): I am a little busy here!
My friend: Well, I think you should know...
Me (still bending and feeling around): Can you give me a sec! I am in the middle of something here!...
My friend: Yeah, well, I think you have some chunks of tar on your hair and forehead.
Me (still bending and feeling around): Tar? What tar? What are you talking about???
My friend: The tar you are removing from Gem.
Me (immediately standing erect): You mean, I have chunks of stuff from his willie ON MY FACE???!!!!
My friend: Yep.
Me: GET IT OFF!!!!!
Note to self: NEVER, EVER use your arm to push back your hair while doing this procedure.

Well, I did it!! And, it was no where near as bad or disgusting as I thought. He did not have a bean (as far as I can tell), but he did have quite a build up. I have no idea when Gem was last cleaned or if he has ever been cleaned. I feel better knowing that he's more comfortable. I can now add Willie Wash to my list of accomplishments...although there aren't a lot of people I would feel comfortable sharing this information with..... ;-)

What was I thinking....?


  1. HA HA HA HA... deep breath... HA HA HA HA!!!

    Must remember first step when cleaning Coriander's member- put hair up into a ponytail!

  2. oh god!!!!! I am laughing with you not at you??? :)

  3. Yuck! But good work on your part - glad he cooperated - Noble won't - he pulls everything right back in until it disappears, although he doesn't mind me cleaning what I can reach. I usually have the vet do him if he's sedated for some other reason.

  4. Funny. Glad you got it done and Gem seemed to enjoy it. Most of ours don't put up a fuss but one or two take exception sometimes. I'll bet Gem is loving that squeaky clean feeling and looking forward to his next encounter with K-Y.

  5. I'm impressed you took your relationship to a new level.


  6. Oh, sure Shannon and Golden...I am sure you are both laughing with me, not at me.... :-)

    Kate - I was so grateful that he cooperated and was not bothered. He really is a "gem".

    GHM - I think he did enjoy it....although I don't want to think about him looking forward to his next encounter with K-Y!! :-)

    Breathe - I definitely have taken our relationship to a new level!

  7. Oh Wolfie!!! Thank you so much for that post! It provide me with such a great chuckle and I really needed it :)

    Glad he was so good for you! Unfortunately I cannot clean Fawke's sheath. He needs to be sedated and even then he trys to kick your head off... I leave it in the capable hand of my vet. I hate paying to have it done but I don't want to add fractured skull to my list of injuries!

  8. From the sounds of it, he knew exactly what you were trying to do. That's why you got such good cooperation.

    The ones who don't know such that thing farther up there than you can believe possible. Believe me, I know.

    And yes I am laughing......but it's at all of us horse people who can find amusement in such things. LOL

  9. Stephanie - Glad that you are on the mend! There are a couple of horses where I board that need to be sedated to have a willie wash. I couldn't believe my luck that Gem didn't mind.

    Rising Rainbow - I really do think he knew I was helping him. And, yes, I am glad I can share this with my horse blog friends and have them understand my experience. :-)

  10. Hi Wolfie I am a brand new reader to your blog and I have finally picked myself up off the floor and wiped my eyes from laughing so much!!!!! I must admit I haven't really gotten 'in there' with Sam yet and it is something I still have to do. I am very proud of you and love you description of it all. Don't know if I will cope with willie on my face though!!! :)

  11. Welcome, Nina! It was an experience and although I can laugh about it now, having willie on my face was not funny at the time! :-) Looking forward to reading about your adventures with Sam in Australia.