Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Black Sheath

I would think that there are many females around my vintage that might think of this when I say "black sheath":
(Isn't she gorgeous?!)

Now, if you are a horse person, perhaps your first thought would not be of Breakfast at Tiffany's and Audrey in that dress. No, if you are a horse person, you probably think of this when I say "black sheath":

My friend contacted me about three weeks ago….

Her: I haven’t seen you since the beginning of April! I have been thinking about you!

Me: What a coincidence! I have been thinking about you, too. Gem needs a Willie Wash!

Her: Oh. Again?

Me: Once a year as part of his Spring tune up.

Her: Oh. I see.

Me: You helped me the very first time. I will always remember that. I am thinking that we should do this every year. Like an anniversary of sorts.

Her: Will we go for beer after??

Me: Yes. You can have as much as you want, because I am driving.

Her: OK, I’m in.

Me: (to myself) She’s so easy…. :-)

Last year’s experience was, well, interesting. As they say, the first time for anything is always the hardest. I had very high anxiety and on top of that I was embarrassed. Yes, embarrassed! Technically, I understood what needed to be done. The execution was the issue. The whole touching Gem, you know, there made me blush like a teenager. The experience did bring my relationship with Gem and my friend to a whole other level. :-)

Admittedly, I was still intimidated by the K-Y counter at the pharmacy. Once again, I did not go to my regular store because I didn't want any of my usual clerks to see what I was buying! And, I was still a bit anxious when we arrived to do the "act' this past Sunday. My friend started grooming him as I got prepared. K-Y - check, facecloth - check, bucket with lukewarm water - check, gloves - check. Assume the safety position - go!

After the initial shock of how deep the sheath is, I got down to business. Gem gave me that "what the heck are you doing back there?" look, but then went back to enjoying my friend's brushing. He was a gentlemen once again this year. I am so lucky. He was actually pretty clean. I suspect that last year was the first time in a long time since he had been cleaned and that's why there was so much gunk. The Willie Wash was completed in a timely fashion (I am getting pretty good at it!) and we left the stables satisfied that my beautiful boy's private area was squeaky clean. Yep, I am the Willie Wash Queen!

Some may remember my emotional trauma last year. We learn through experience and I made some changes to this year's routine, the most important one being PUTTING MY HAIR IN A PONY TAIL. Secondly, I came to the conclusion that in my enthusiasm I may have used a bit too much K-Y last year (having grey K-Y drip down my arms was an indicator), so I cut back on the amount. Thirdly, I brought a change of clothing; it was so nice to be able to sit and have a nice big frosty draft with one of my best-est friends in the whole wide world and not see Willie Wash evidence splashed on my clothing! :-)

What was I thinking....?


  1. Oh tooooooo funny! You are braver than I AM!! I take the easy way out - having my boys cleaned when they get their teeth floated. :)

  2. Very funny. You know they should invent a concoction just for this purpose and call it "Willie Wash"! Actually, we use the stuff made for it called (I think) Excalibur so I don't have to go into the store for KY. Bet Gem is glad that's done for a while, and I'll bet he feels good being squeaky clean.

  3. 50+ - I actually had it on the vet visit list last year and was informed he wouldn't do it!!! I am fortunate that Gem doesn't mind his spring cleaning because I don't know what I would have done.

    GHM - You know, I should invent it....Wolfie's Willie Wash!! Has a nice ring to it! :-)

  4. OMG! I can't stop laughing, I also had to read about last years experience, shopping for the K-Y..So funny. Yeah it's dirty job but someone's gotta do it. My first experience with "that" was when I was about nine, I was curious and grossed out on many levels. I've been looking forward to your next post here, well worth the wait. (blogger is being weird for me since last night, this is Mary from My Boston My Friend)

  5. What were you thinking? Why, you were thinking, "Oh man I have GOT to blog about this!"


  6. UGH, the joys of having boys:)

    Thank god Miles "late gelder" ?? It allows many opportunities for impromptu cleanings (assuming no one else is around!!! This is very important for some reason to me. Because I am also 13 years old and ridiculous about my horse's genitalia). ANYWAY. Congrats on getting the job done for another year:) Gem is a gem, as usual, I'm sure:)

  7. Wow--aren't you lucky, having a friend who will help with the "willy wash" and go for a beer afterward. Lucky, lucky! (But the thought of the willy wash is ruining my thoughts of the beer.) ;)

  8. Oh, thanks for such a great laugh!
    I relegated the boy's 'willie wash' to the vet - an extra $15... well worth it!
    I did find the following instructions: your post and this one both rank high on the humor scale!

  9. Willie Wash Queen! I love it!

    I have to admit I was a little thrown when I clicked on your blog and saw Ms. Hepburn. Like you said, it took me a moment to remember that sheath doesn't just apply to male horse parts. Horses definitely trump fashion in my mind. (She was absolutely gorgeous. Have you seen her in Roman Holiday? She was totally adorable in that movie too.)

  10. It's a steep learning curve isn't it? But see that, only one year of horse ownership and already you are becoming an old pro. You're lucky Gem is such a good boy about it -- it's one of the only things that Tucker will just not tolerate! He finds the whole thing highly inappropriate!

  11. Haha! oh too funny...Rally needs this done!!
    can I hire your friend?? I'll buy her all the beers she wants and drive her!!

  12. Good morning!!

    Mary – It really does have to be done. If someone had told me two years ago that I would have to put my hand up a horse’s private area on a regular basis, I would have told them they were mad! :-)

    Mrs. Mom – I want EVERYONE to share in my experience. There is comfort in numbers!!

    Sarah – OK, now that you have “come clean” (couldn’t resist-sorry!!!), I will also share that I look at my guy’s genitalia on a regular basis to see if there is any obvious reason for cleaning. I try to look casual, of course! :-)

    Linda – My friend rocks. I have to say that the beer was extremely satisfying...sort of a reward for a job well done!

    Dreaming – My vet will not do it! Thank you for the link – I loved it!

    Shannon – Yes, I am The Queen! I actually have Breakfast at Tiffany’s and Roman Holiday on DVD. “Two for the Road”, “Charade”, “My Fair Lady”, “Sabrina"...gosh, I could go on! She was so beautiful. Have you seen her in one of her last movies, Robin and Marion?

    Marissa – You are right – it is a steep learning curve! I am very grateful that Gem cooperates. There are a lot of horses like Tucker that find it highly inappropriate! :-)

    Minus Pride - She really is so good to me. She doesn't even have a pet of her own, yet she tolerates everything I throw her way when it comes to my four-legged babies.

  13. lol... best chuckle i've had all month!

  14. A couple of years ago I went to the chemist with a racehorse trainer I was riding for and we got several tubes of KY and I can tell you we got some seriously funny looks! I went back the following day to explain, because the chemist was in my local village and I am a married woman, but not married to the race horse trainer! I'm not sure if my explanation helped the situation though.

    I've spent the evening catching up on your blog and am really enjoying it, love your sense of humor and Gem is absolutely gorgeous.

  15. Laughingwolf - Glad I could be of assistance! :-)

    twohorses - LOL! You see, that's exactly why I go to a drug store that's not in my neighbourhood!! Thanks for stopping by. I am looking forward to the updates on your two beauties.

  16. Oh you are funny!! And Wolfie's Willie Wash does sound like a bestseller *lol*
    I can now honestly say I am NOT a fashionista -- I read your blog title & immediately thought of a horse *sigh* ... which is why the pix of Audrey confused me mightily!! Joy xx (who's getting tired of being Anonymous!)

  17. Hi Joy! You must be a true horsewoman! LOL Just read about your lessons....fantastic. Hope you have a fab weekend!

  18. Oh, my! Well, I just got an education, too!

    I'm glad you and Gem survived it all. :-)

  19. This is hilarious, Ali was just filling me in on this the other day with Merlyn....I was like 'you what? are you kidding me on?' It's the sort of thing you dont know about until its too late and you already have the horse!

  20. LOL!

    I'm with GHM. Excalibur - hilarious name if you think about it - has the soap and the lube built in.

    I too was flabbergasted when I could fit my arm up to the elbow into "the area"... my first time was on an uncooperative gelding - he pulled it all the way up in there. Val just lets it all hang out - so helpful ;)

  21. Detroit Dog - I have had to do some pretty weird and, yes, disgusting things to keep my dogs and cats healthy. This tops all of those things put together.

    TCP - Seriously, eh. It's not like it comes up in conversation when you are looking at a purchase prospect..."yes, and how is he when you clean his willie?..." LOL!

    Calm - I was freaked out the first time at how much space there is!!! You are fortunate that Val is a good boy, like Gem. :-)

  22. Hi. New visitor. Great read.
    But I just had to share the time I had a vet up to do a teeth floating demo at Horse Camp--a bunch of twenty 4th to 6th graders, both boys and girls. Since my old guy was already sedated, the vet offered to clean him up--Those kids didn't know WHAT to think! grossed out! Totally embarrassed! (but curious, too, just know they were!)

  23. Hello EvenSong! Thanks for stopping by. I am smiling at the thought of your campers watching that.....but kids sort of like that kind of grossness, too. Can you imagine what the dinner conversation was like that night?? ....And how was horse camp today, Johnny?.... LOL!